Santa Needs a Job: What Other Things Would He Be Good At?
December. The time of year for Slade to cash in on their endless pension of royalties, and for George Michael to give his heart to 'someone special' for the 32nd year in a row. It's a surefire month for many artists to get a bumper pay-cheque, none more so than Santa Claus himself.
After all, it's the one night a year when all of his toymaking comes to fruition. But what if he wanted a career change? What if Santa is tired of little Timmy being an ungrateful brat? We decided to take a look at five jobs that would best suit Kris Kringle's transferable skills ...
First off, let me get one thing straight. I'm not suggesting for one second Santa should jack his day job in for something else. That would be a disaster. So if you're reading this Nick, we love you and need you.
Oh and if my letter got lost in the post, a Ferrari F40 would be great thank you very much.
However, should he want to take a break and consider alternative careers, we've compiled a list of five job roles we think Santa would excel in - not through reams of qualifications, but through soft skills and related experience.
So we'll ask the question: is your job under threat from Santa Claus?
We'll start with the obvious one guys. If there is one mortal job role Father Christmas would excel in, this would be it. Forget your Amazon Prime and your Hermes, the portly Saint and his fleet of horned deer would blow them all away.
No traffic jams in the sky means no late deliveries. This means that you won't be waiting home all day, only to find your new fridge is delivered in the very last minute of the estimated delivery time window.
You don't have to worry about that dreaded 'sorry we missed you' note either - because Santa will go one step further and deliver your parcels inside your house. Sure, they may be covered in soot from the unconventional chimney entrance, but hey, it beats that trip to your local post office HQ.
His packaging is also second to none. The brief but harsh life of a parcel usually results in it being damaged, soggy or not very secure. Not with Santa. Expect ribbons, expect bows, expect immaculate wrapping precision.
Finding a good courier can sometimes be difficult. Most of them use diesel-powered vans. Santa uses carrot-powered, flying reindeer. Why is that relevant you ask? Less pollution and free postage - it's a no-brainer.
The connection with this one isn't quite as obvious as a postman, but think about it. Santa spends the entire year tending to his fleet of reindeer - ensuring they are 100% fit for the busy night. What's more, can you imagine the thousands of little puppies and kittens he has to babysit for families across the world until Christmas morning?!
This definitely equips Saint Nick with relevant and useful zookeeper attributes. Let's take a look at what those might be:
To work at any Zoo, a strong knowledge of animal nutrition is key for any candidate looking to get close to the animals. Knowing what certain breeds can (and can't) eat, specific volumes of consumption, and feeding times are all crucial to running a healthy zoo. If Santa can raise eight reindeer capable of transporting him across the world in a single night, then he's already hired.
If animals do fall ill, or are injured in any way, veterinary professionals need to be on hand immediately. I've been told that Santa knows of many herbal remedies that cure common ailments - mainly to provide his reindeer with immunity to flu which they could catch during flight.
Ensuring animal morale is kept to a high level is important in any Zoo. This can range from giving them enrichment in the form of games, treats and adequately-sized enclosures. Given the kind and thoughtful nature of Santa Claus, allowing him to look after your exotic animals would only be a good thing.
According to a thoroughly scientific and credible study by The Atlantic, "Santa has to deliver presents to almost 22 million kids an hour, every hour, on the night before Christmas. That's about 365,000 kids a minute; about 6,100 a second. Totally doable."
I'm sure you'll agree this is pretty impressive stuff. With over 526,000,000 children (under the age of 14) celebrating Christmas across the globe, Santa needs a pretty big North Pole warehouse to store all of the gifts. It's in this warehouse, which I'm told is just a really big igloo, that Santa's workforce of elves are kept busy organising things.
As a result, Father Christmas has adopted the role of a warehouse manager - enabling him to oversee all scheduling and stocklist tasks. His people skills are unparalleled in such situations, meaning that he is utilising each elf as effectively as possible. He's able to designate particular tasks to the elves based on their strong points and expertise, while still helping the entire workforce become as efficient and well-rounded as possible.
In fact, It is said that Amazon's unconventional warehousing layout is inspired by Santa's 'really big igloo'.
The entire logistics operation of moving gifts into his sleigh - which miraculously fits it all in - is something to behold.
If the workload ever gets too much at Christmas time, Santa isn't afraid to pull on his overalls and join his elves in the toymaking shed. It's in the shed (which is akin to a tardis in proportions) that he specialises in crafting mechanical robots, talking bears and diecast model cars.
His skillset as an engineer is pretty unique - as he must adapt with evolving tech and fleeting toy fads. Last year he was busy building hoverboards - this year it's drones. Never knowing what the next hot technology might be, he needs to be adaptable and willing to learn. He actually attends an annual refresher course at the University of Lapland, in order to update his existing engineering knowledge. His full title is actually Dr. Kris Kringle HonFIET FIED FIMechE.
From fitness monitors to wireless battery chargers, Santa can assemble them all. Such a well-rounded skill like this means finding an engineering job would be a breeze for him.
Customer Service Advisor
What comes to mind when you think of great customer service? Helpfulness, politeness and efficiency are three things I imagine are high on your list. Coincidentally, these are all intrinsic traits of the plump festive wonder that is Santa Claus. Much like a good customer service advisor, he often knows the solutions to your problems before you finish writing your Christmas wish list.
He's also a great communicator, which is a result of all of his travelling over the years. This means not only is he multilingual, but he is experienced in dealing with all kinds of requests and enquiries.
Lastly (and crucially), like any good customer service employee, Santa is highly skilled when it comes to multitasking. He is able to manage people's expectations effectively, never over-promising, but always delivering results that put smiles on everyone's face. It's almost as if he's in multiple locations all at once!
Are there any we've missed?
So there we have it! It's good to know that Father Christmas has plenty of career options should he fancy a change. However, due to his longevity in his current role, I get the feeling he's not going anywhere anytime soon.
Are there any other job roles you think Santa would be good at? Let us know what they are and why he would be the perfect candidate!
Written by Jon Clarke
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